


His True Self

by fojee



Series: Endless Tale [3]
Category: Japanese Drama, 臨床犯罪学者 火村英生の推理 | Himura Hideo no Suiri | Criminologist Himura and Mystery Writer Arisugawa (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-30 17:01:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6432832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fojee/pseuds/fojee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Show me your true self.</p><p>A coda to the previous story in Himura's POV, set after their first time...</p>
            </blockquote>





	His True Self

**Author's Note:**

> Since 'Undefined' was originally written as a one-shot, some aspects aren't linear especially re: Himura and Alice's relationship. Anyway, this installment attempts to bridge the first two stories and features ace!Himura.

Himura Hideo wiped the vapour on the mirror, and under the damp tangle of his hair, he met his own eyes.

Even now, Moroboshi Sanae's poison-voice whispered in his head. _Come join my side._

He had dismissed those words at first, thinking them an invitation to join Shangri-La. What use would he have for some cult whose aims were as nebulous as their leader's sanity? But Moroboshi's words referred to a different division. Us versus them. The ones who could see versus the ones who were blind. 

He had never considered his ability a gift. His old schoolmates thought it was a neat trick. Even Alice had clapped like a kid at his demonstrations. Not many people bothered to look beyond it. He earned the respect of the police, but he knew he was being used. He had never minded. When someone had his kind of brain, there were worse things to be than useful.

 _Show me your true self._ Moroboshi's demand had called to something within him. 

Alice had told him once, "Don't ever show the police that face." Himura had spent most of his life revealing people's secrets, while hiding his own. He thought maybe he was a monster, and he built his own cage, with Alice as his chosen warden.

And when he killed Moroboshi Sanae, that monster was freed.

He couldn't tell Detective Nabeshima, though he knew the man probably suspected. He could only confess to one person, to Arisugawa Alice, who would judge him unworthy. Who would leave him.

Himura had prepared himself for that before he came back. 

After he fell, a group of homeless people living by the river found him and nursed him back to health as best as they could. And he had stayed with them for a few days until even they could no longer stand the stench of Moroboshi's corpse, and allowed him to call the police.

He would have stayed there if he could. But he wasn't that much of a coward. He had to face the consequences of his actions.

But Alice did not even blink at his confession. He showed Himura the pathway back to safety, to sanity. Intellectually, he knew he wasn't that special. People thought murderous thoughts all the time. But to move from thinking to action required a certain temperament. 

Alice, too, had this passionate intensity and righteousness that often flared in the face of wrong-doers. Alice, too, had the potential to kill.

And yet it was balanced by the man's bottomless capacity to feel compassion and empathy. His anger would fade, and his writer's mind would take over, dissecting people and events until he could make sense of them. A portion of his job involved humanizing monsters. He liked to play the clown sometimes when they were solving crimes, but Himura had nothing but the deepest of respect for Alice's ability to get at the heart of the matter. 

Himura uncovered criminals, while Alice handed them lifelines. So they would get the chance, and the choice, to repent.

Himura grabbed onto that lifeline now.

And maybe he shouldn't have touched Alice. Maybe he shouldn't have added sex to an already snarled and tangled situation. Maybe he should have pushed the man away, instead of pulling him closer. Maybe he should give him another chance to walk away...

The downward spiral of his thoughts was interrupted by a shadow darting behind him. Himura turned half-way. "Aren't you done yet?" Alice asked. "Were you alright in the shower? I don't know how you can still walk around with those bruises." He touched the belt of Himura's robe, as if he wanted to pull it open and take another look at his colourful flesh. 

Himura dragged him into a kiss, partly to shut him up. 

Alice laughed as he pulled back. "All this time I didn't even know you were interested that way."

Himura tried to shrug but aborted the move when it made his ribs ache. "I wasn't. I'm not."

Alice's brow furrowed. "What are you talking about? You're the one who made the first move." His voice started to rise. "Don't tell me you were doing it out of some kind of gratitude, because that's bullshit."

Himura wrapped his arms around Alice's waist and murmured to his shoulder. "Why do you even like me? I've never figured you out. You had all sorts of friends and lovers in college but still you chose me."

Alice exhaled noisily. "I'll answer your question if you answer mine. Do you really want this? Do you want _me_?"

Himura was silent for a moment before he answered hesitantly, "I've never wanted anyone before, so I'm not sure. I just know that I need you." He closed his eyes. "I did like it," he added in a whisper.

Alice smiled at him with tender affection. "That's enough for me."

"What about my question?" Himura asked.

Alice studied his face. "That one's easy. You were a mystery, Himura. And years later, you're still a mystery; you got me hooked." He paused. "And it was nice to be needed. I do love you, you know." He blushed. "Just in case that wasn't clear."

Himura had read it his every action. But somehow hearing it out loud was different. He wished he could reciprocate, but the words wouldn't leave his throat. He ducked his head, and was startled when Alice cupped his jaw.

"You don't have to say it back. Just don't leave me again." There was a hitch in Alice's voice. 

"You are not as dumb as you pretend to be," Himura managed to say. "Sometimes I wonder if you're a mind reader. It would explain so much."

Alice laughed long and loud, his eyes crinkling. "No, I'm not a mind reader. I'm just an expert in Himura Hideo."

 _Show me your true self._

Himura saw his reflection in Alice's eyes. This man, for some reason, had the ability to see him, and know him, and still love him. Himura kissed him again, just because.


End file.
